A letter from Apple, translated

Dear iPhone 4 Users,

The iPhone 4 has been the most successful product launch in Apple’s history. It has been judged by reviewers around the world to be the best smartphone ever, and users have told us that they love it. So we were surprised when we read reports of reception problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

In the following letter, we’re going to put forth the argument that the iPhone 4G isn’t flawed. Ask yourself this, would you buy a flawed device? We wouldn’t either. The 4G has been our fastest selling device with a few of our media plants even describing it as “THE BEST PHONE EVER”. Since we previously established that no one would buy a flawed device, and the 4G has sold like crazy, it stands to reason that the 4G isn’t flawed.

To start with, gripping almost any mobile phone in certain ways will reduce its reception by 1 or more bars. This is true of iPhone 4, iPhone 3GS, as well as many Droid, Nokia and RIM phones. But some users have reported that iPhone 4 can drop 4 or 5 bars when tightly held in a way which covers the black strip in the lower left corner of the metal band. This is a far bigger drop than normal, and as a result some have accused the iPhone 4 of having a faulty antenna design.

Without providing a scintilla of evidence, we’ll make a vague assertion that “all phones” suffer from this problem. While we acknowledge claiming “theirs sucks too” doesn’t really address the deficiencies of OUR device, we doubt you’ll take the time to google and debunk our assertion. Although we stated a moment ago that other phones lose ONE bar and ours loses FIVE, we have no CLUE how someone could make an inference to a reception problem. Anyone suggesting that a FIRST GEN antenna design could experience growing pains, is clearly in need of institutionalization.

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that iPhone 4 reception is better than the iPhone 3GS. They are delighted. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?

We’ve sold 1.7 MILLION devices and have received HUNDREDS of letters from people claiming that the moon is made of cheese, Jimmy Hoffa is buried under the NY Giant’s end zone, and the 4G has the best reception of any iPhone ever.

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising.

After huddling with our legal team for a few days, we’ve come up with a plausible (enough) explanation that will allow us to avoid a total recall.

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars. Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.

For years, in an effort to boost the “appearance” of improved reception, we’ve been displaying four signal bars when you’ve really only had two. While this method has served our marketing department well, we must now switch to a new “increased reception” appearance trick. Three years from now when the iPhone 6G has a problem, we’ll claim our current technique was “totally wrong”, and the circle of life will begin anew.

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula for calculating how many bars to display for a given signal strength. The real signal strength remains the same, but the iPhone’s bars will report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the reception they will get in a given area. We are also making bars 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

AT&T has a more clever “formula” for calculating signal strength, so we’re going to use that from now on. Remember, If a car gets 30 miles a gallon, it also gets 48 Kilometers a mile, which is much more efficient. We also implemented graphical tweaks that will visually reinforce a stronger signal, but are really just a bunch of cheap optical illusions.

We will issue a free software update within a few weeks that incorporates the corrected formula. Since this mistake has been present since the original iPhone, this software update will also be available for the iPhone 3GS and iPhone 3G.

To further distract you from believing this problem solely exists as a 4g problem, we’ll offer a “placebo patch” to all our legacy models. This will further reinforce the impression that it’s a “reporting the bars” issue instead of a 4G fucked up antenna one. It’s our belief that admitting to FOUR defective devices makes far more PR sense that admitting to ONE.

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same— the iPhone 4’s wireless performance is the best we have ever shipped. For the vast majority of users who have not been troubled by this issue, this software update will only make your bars more accurate. For those who have had concerns, we apologize for any anxiety we may have caused.

Although we’re issuing a patch, there no reason whatsoever to do so. If you think something is wrong, it’s time to take your anti-anxiety pills.

As a reminder, if you are not fully satisfied, you can return your undamaged iPhone to any Apple Retail Store or the online Apple Store within 30 days of purchase for a full refund.

We hope you love the iPhone 4 as much as we do.

Thank you for your patience and support.

Apple

We’d prefer if you’d kindly shut up and move on with your life. Since you CAN return your phone, you forfeit all rights to complain anyway. Luckily, our accounting team knows this will never happen because you’re too lazy to…

1) Google the address to return the phone
2) Look for a box
3) unable to find a box, empty an existing one
4) find a pen that isn’t dead to write the address
5) tape the box
6) walk half a block to the post office
7) stand on line with a box for 28 minutes

So enjoy your phone! Unless you’re some motived type A personality that will actually go outside, you’re pretty much stuck with it.