These days, it seems like I’m constantly bombarded with TV ads that instruct me to text strange numbers like 13456 or 433453. While a minuscule number of these services are actually useful, the majority have little or no use at all. An example of the former is the ease in which one can make a donation to Haitian disaster relief. Click a few numbers, hit send, and you’ve hopefully made a tiny difference. The rest, however, belong to the “joke of the day” or “download an Akon ringtone” for THREE BUCKS camp. A few simple steps (use web for jokes, convert Akon track in iTunes to mp3 and copy to your phone, etc) can easily circumvent the need for such services. One company these days is especially drawing my ire, no doubt because of their irritating omnipresent ad campaign. The question “why does this company exist?” baffles me to the core of my being.

Let’s get to work, shall we?

The amount of information the data age has placed at our fingertips is beyond comprehension. There’s almost nothing a determined individual can’t figure out. Ironically, these advances have come with a downside that can offset the very empowerment they’ve provided. Researching a topic is no longer the problem, it’s making sense of the sheer volume of information returned when we’ve made a query. The signal-to-noise ratio has gotten out of control.

So enter KGB, a service that allows you to text a question to a number and have it promptly answered by a member of their extensive team of “Agents”.  Each query, in addition to any carrier text rates, will cost you 99 cents. Their tagline “get answers, not links” obviously anticipates the question on everyone’s mind.   Why not use a search engine?

KGB is absolutely correct, links are just an intermediary step to information. On the surface, they make a valid point. Do you want the damn answer or do you want to surf through 30,000 links to get it?. (Of course we know that you don’t actually have to surf through anything, 99% of the time the first link is all you need) To justify their existence, KGB has run a campaign of annoying TV spots (available here) that completely exaggerate the difficulty of a simple web query. (Yeah yeah, I know, the nemesis of truth, marketing, rears its head again) Take one of  those infomercials where someone is trying to perform a simple task like opening a piece of Tupperware.  They fiddle with it for a few seconds, flip it over and continue fiddling, and still unsuccessful, throw the container down on the table and wave around exasperated jazz hands. Yeah, KGB is saying that using Google is like that. Riiiight…..

Now I understand the need to make a buck, and an entrepreneurial spirit is fine in my book. That said, I see absolutely no need for this service. The fact is that Google, Wiki, and the web in general, don’t operate in a vacuum. Google is constantly tweaking their search algorithms and Wikipedia is always adding and refining new content. The point is they’re aware that the signal-to-noise ratio is getting out of hand, and they’re actively working to tip the scales back in our favor.

So here’s what you do to save yourself some money.  Instead of wasting a dollar on KGB, (who in all likelihood is just Googling something and texting it back) take five minutes out of your life to find some reliable sites to seek information.  The idea here not to cut out the noise, but to find places free of it. Once you’ve found a few, bookmark them for future use, and let technological Darwin take care of KGB.

A problem arises

But what if don’t have a smart phone with internet, but you’re the type that needs to answer those random bar questions?  You’d think you don’t have a choice other than KGB. Not true at all! You have the choice to shut your trap, enjoy your damn beer, and avoid the whole mess. Seriously, run. Run like you’re Forest Gump, on fire, being chased by the Cloverfield monster.

“Oh stop being melodramatic” you’ll just tell me, what harm could possibly come of it? Well, since I have a few extra minutes on my hands, here’s one likely scenario.

It began with an innocent query

You had a long day at work, so you decide to stop by the local watering hole for a few cold ones. The usual suspects are inside, like always, so you head over and take your place with them at the bar.  Joe, to your left, is rambling about some incident at the construction site a few hours ago. The anecdote concludes with a can of WD40 saving the day. A quizzical look lingers on his face.

Say, what the hell does WD40 stand for anyway?

No one in the place has the faintest idea.  You recall a commercial about “text any crazy question to…”, so you whip out your cellphone and go for it.  A moment later a reply comes in.  You clear your throat, and offer up the answer with a nonchalant delivery.

After 39 failed attempts at displacing water, they finally got it right, hence, Water Displacement, 40th attempt

A round of hi-fives ensues. A guy at the end of the bar, believing you might be able to answer a question that’s always bothered him, speaks up.

Hey buddy, what’s the longest word in the English language?

Once again you whip out the ‘ol phone and feverishly text away.  The device emits a chirp, your answer has arrived.

Well my good man, at 45 letters that would be Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, a lung condition you probably wouldn’t want!

His mental itch scratched, he orders you up a frosty beer on his dime. Now you’re a hit in the bar, but unfortunately you’re also a victim for anyone that’s had a random thought on the bus.

Another person approaches you.

Ok ok, my turn. You know those people that are scared of the number 13? What’s that called?

A text, a chirp.

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear, a triskaidekaphobic is a person that has it.

By now, word has started to spread about “The Oracle of Joe’s Tavern”. Walter the Barfly, (who is secretly bitter at you because you won’t let your sister date him) sidles on over with a plan to show you up. At one time he was a video game developer, but he suffered a nervous breakdown at work, and found solace inside a whiskey glass. Thinking for a moment, he slurs out the most obscure thing he can come up with.

Alright genius boy, riddle me this. What’s “Cruise Elroy”?

This one will require some work, so you excuse yourself (to some razzes) for a cigarette.  Once out back, you launch off a volley of messages to KGB. *chirp*, *chirp*, *chirp*, *chirp*.  You re-emerge, ready to attack.

Oh Walter, you incorrigible lush!

“Cruise Elroy” is a term coined by aficionados of the game Pac-Man.  When a predetermined number of “dots” on a given level are consumed, the behavior of the main antagonist (Blinky the red ghost) changes. This transformation, occurring earlier and earlier as the game progresses, increases the difficulty of the game in two ways. 

First, Blinky’s speed and aggressiveness goes off the charts, and Pac-Man’s ability to outrun AND outfox him, severely diminishes. 

Second, and this is a big one, is that “scatter mode” is altered. Under normal conditions, the four ghosts will occasionally give up pursuit and retreat to separate corners of the map, giving the player’s cramping hand a brief respite. Under the new behavior though, Blinky will cease to care about the risk of carpal tunnel to the player and doggedly continue his chase of Pac-Man. 

This aggressive state of Blinky, for unknown nerd reasons, is referred to as his “Cruise Elroy” state.

And you’re not done yet…

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the inspiration for the game came from the Japanese onomatopoeia for eating loudly, paku paku. It was originally called Puck-Man, but underwent a name change to Pac-Man when it came to the states. Company executives were worried that youthful rebellion, a magic marker, and 10 spare seconds would convert the name on the side of the machine to “Fuck-man”.

Now, does anyone have a DIFFICULT question?

The bar reacts with collective “OH SNAP!!!!” To articulate the awesomeness, you blow on each index finger and put your imaginary guns back in their holsters. A massive line then forms as each patron queues up to seek your sage advice. The Q & A continues until the bar closes.

*cue Platoon’s “The day after that big fucking battle at the end of the movie” theme*

You wake up the next morning, hungover and seriously late for work. The 323 free beers you had last night were awesome, but the savings did SQUAT to offset your phone bill which now totals $47,523.
From this point on, whenever you walk into the bar you’re peppered with a million queries. You’re now known as “Alex Trebek, King of the Barstool” or “the crazy dude glued to his phone who knows an inordinate amount of shit”.  Whenever you leave the bar, your phone bill has increased by triple figures.

The burden becomes so big, you must choose between avoiding the bar forever or seeking serious overtime to cover your trivia costs. You go with the former, because your wallet simply can’t absorb being omniscient, and your mind can’t handle the graveyard shift at the meat packing plant.

Meanwhile, a few patrons were getting sick at the tavern. Unfortunately for the owner Joe, one of them happened to be a trial lawyer who brought suit. It turns out that the beer ran through vintage keg taps from England that had lead lining in them. The suit covered all current patrons of the bar, and each eventually received $35,000.

Looking for a bigger payday, Walter the Barfly managed to quintuple his settlement at a shady card game in Atlantic City. Still resentful over the Pac-Man insult and now flush with cash, he hires a team of Lithuanian hit-men to “go Cruise Elroy on (your) ass”. So now you’re forced to live life on the run, sticking to wooded areas away from civilization for maximum safety. Because your phone bill tied up you finances, you couldn’t even fill up a duffel bag with Chef Boyardee cans to bring with you. Instead, you must survive on a diet of grubs and tree bark for sustenance. From this point it becomes cloudy what happens, but I’ll wager it’ll be unpleasant.

What does WD40 mean? Apparently a life on the lam, where roadkill is a five star meal.

See? ‘Ol Techranter warned you to mind your business and enjoy your beer!