Let’s be realistic, my rants tend to be of the “complete box set” variety. You think reading through all this is an exercise in patience? Try writing one of these fuckers, I’m on my ninth reread already! Believe me, I’ve tried to shorten them, but as consistent as Stalin’s trains were, I always fail at keeping it under a thousand words. So, here’s what we’ll do. In lieu of making adjustments on my end (impossible), I’ll instead share the methodology I use for every rant on this site. The idea is to provide a glimpse into the process , earn your respect/pity, and hope you’ll choose to tolerate the length of these literary bombing runs I unleash upon you every month.

I use headers to cryptically summarize the paragraph

A good place to begin would be to tell you that writing has always been difficult for me. It’s not the creative aspect that’s the problem, it’s in faithfully transferring the idea from a wet blob in my skull to the pixels you’re currently staring at. (The blob says hello, by the way). This isn’t epoch shattering news, as all people struggle with this issue to varying degree. All we can do is adapt and develop our own methods to aid in better expressing ourselves.

So I’m obviously writing, what’s MY deal? It’s actually quite simple, I’m just really stubborn with my ideas. Think of it as the “moving a house, brick by brick” technique. I’m incapable of whipping out elegant and cogent thoughts (and yes, many are), but I AM capable of writing a snippet, polishing it, and polishing it some more. It takes a lot of time (I’ve been writing this for two weeks) and often ends up in a lot of frustration (I have over 20 “finished” rants languishing in my draft folder, never to see the light of day), but for me determination trumps talent.

I’m not only slow, I’m super methodical. The biggest culprit to my “thousand plus” writing is that I like thoughts to flow right into one another. And I mean really flow. I’ll wager this a goal of writing, but I think I take it a little too far. The problem is I that I skirt right up to the edge of diminishing returns detail when explaining something. Whereas most writers transition between topics, I’m compelled to create the textual equivalent of a gradient between them. Let’s put it this way, most work is a series of railroad ties. Mine? A continuous strip of asphalt. As you can imagine, filling in those spaces between spaces does serious damage to the word count.

Transitioning to a new aspect of the topic

So I create a certain way, but I also structure my writing a particular way as well. Let’s talk about that. It goes without saying (but not typing) that moving the bricks is a lot easier when you have a predefined blueprint as to where they’ll be placed. The two preceding paragraphs were the preamble and setup, and this section obviously constitutes the meat of the topic. At this juncture on any given rant I’m warmed up and filling the template with the appropriate parts. Here, I might get crazy and throw a few links at you, maybe a direct quote, hell, an info-graphic is fair game. Who knows, it might even just be a simple appeal to emotion to instantly win the reader over, those rarely fail. What I will be doing regardless of presentation method, is providing information, making arguments, and tearing down my target of ire in the most enthusiastic way I can muster.

I’d also like to make a contextual aside to tell you that I frequently make contextual asides. The reasoning is straightforward. When I started this time wasting, yet mildly satisfying endeavor, I felt it was important to make the topics as accessible as possible. This has NOTHING to do with attracting the widest audience imaginable and then adding revenue generating pop up ads, no sir, not at all. Instead it’s, um, that we’re often dealing with complex subjects (like Angry Birds) that demand a firm grasp of the underlying minutia.

Temporarily pausing to add context is helpful, but I do my best to avoid going overboard with it. I actually prefer to use a parenthetical (because they use less words) when possible. You’ll also notice that I’m a huge fan of employing “air quotes” to convey minor emphasis. What can I say? Guilty as charged.

What’s with the crudely photoshopped pictures that litter my ramblings? I use the images to visually break up the blocks of text. Really, that’s the only purpose they serve. You wouldn’t believe how much of a diversion it is to go find a silly little image and create a contextually related caption for it. This blog is a labor of love however, so I’ll do what I must. The silver lining is that it helps maintain my graphic design skills at a minimum 4th grade level.

The apex

And here we are at the apex of our topic. Everything that needs to be said is now out there, and we’ll double back a bit to analyze things before we head into the sunset. In a given rant this will no doubt involve naming a few features of device A and incredulously bashing the omission of them in device B. I’ll also suggest that the people in charge should lose their employ in the company via some colorful manner such as shooting them into the sun. In this given rant, it will obviously entail describing what would happen in another given rant.

A brief moment in their shoes

If I was actually getting down to business on a topic and not rambling about writing, I’d use this paragraph to momentarily throttle back the heat. You see, I often say a lot of nasty things about some very talented people. I try to keep in mind that many of the companies making the “imbecilic decisions” are mostly comprised of hard working, ambitious people. I’m aware that said decisions often affect their lives and livelihood, and I wish it could be otherwise. It’s easy to sit here and lob venom when you have no skin in their game. That said, as an individual throwing my hard-earned money at their products, I’m not going to feel guilty making a a few suggestions on how to improve things.

Headline that implies some finality

By now we’ve arrived at the point that frustrates me the most. I’ve typed a thousand words, I’m tired of the subject, I’ve proofread up to this point until my eyes glazed over, and the creative fuel tank is running dry. Yet, here we are because I’ve still got some loose ends that need tying up. It’s kind of like “final approach” on an airplane. The pilot makes the announcement that we’re beginning our descent, but we still have 45 minutes until we land.

I’m also cognizant that wading in this far is tough on the reader. You’ve got to hit the grocery store before it closes, but initially felt compelled to read (or skim) this silly article a Facebook friend posted, but you’ve now realized this guy is just spouting off about phones, tech, twitter, and all sorts of other geek shit you couldn’t care less about. Even worse, everything is phrased in long run-on sentences which you find to be an irritating style of writing because you invest all this energy in waiting for the point and it’s not coming and now the tension is building up and you need, nay, demand, closure… *inhale* …but you’ll eventually (and correctly) deduce that this was simply an exercise to see how far I could push my luck before you punch your monitor, break it, and miss the exciting conclusion in which I reveal that tomorrow’s winning lotto numbers will be 34-52-65-34-01 Mega Ball 37.

See? I told you writing this section always makes me loopy. Go look at any of my other posts, you’ll notice the pattern. The penultimate section of anything I write is always the weirdest. It’s clear that I’m burned out by the time I reach this stage.

C’mon, let’s get out of here….

Final header, grocery store in one minute

And….just like that we’ve arrived at the end! Congratulations, you now have a degree of insight into my workflow, and some exposition into why things are a certain way around here.

I always enjoy wrapping a post up with a “to be continued…” or “until next time dear loyal reader…” to acknowledge that we’ve taken this journey together, and that more adventures are to come. Sound nice, right? You and I, both with way too much time on our hands, sharing a pointless moment together as we procrastinate in an office cubicle? I think my soul just warmed a bit.

Oh, wait… it’s just heartburn, carry on. The “see you next time!” sign-off is really only communicating that if a new post isn’t up within two months, kindly check the area hospitals.

I hope this overview will be helpful when reading future posts!

For those missing out on THIS gem earlier, there’s been all sorts of fun going on in the land of Blackberry today. You see a senior RIM executive, basically at his wits’ end, decided to BLOW UP every facet of the company by releasing one of the most scathing diatribes known to man. It was rough, but it’s exactly what needed to be said. RIM responded a few hours later with a head in the sand legalese PR statement. I’ve taken the liberty of translating what I thought they really meant. Let’s go!

————————————————————————————

An “Open Letter” to RIM’s senior management was published anonymously on the web today and it was attributed to an unnamed person described as a ‘high level employee”.

Our team of lawyers will begin their response by first attempting to delegitimize the source of this letter. We’ll attempt to continuously reinforce this notion by enclosing “high level employee” in air quotes at every opportunity.

It is obviously difficult to address anonymous commentary and it is particularly difficult to believe that a “high level employee” in good standing with the company would choose to anonymously publish a letter on the web rather than engage their fellow executives in a constructive manner, but regardless of whether the letter is real, fake, exaggerated or written with ulterior motivations, it is fair to say that the senior management team at RIM is nonetheless fully aware of and aggressively addressing both the company’s challenges and its opportunities.

We find it impossible that an “Executive” within our company could, over time, become frustrated with our obviously failing culture, and exhausting all other options, attempt a public admonishment as a last ditch attempt to right the ship. In asking why this person didn’t approach head MGMT in a constructive manner, we’ll conveniently ignore that fact that half the letter was about employees being UNABLE to approach us in said constructive manner. Our use of the term “ulterior motives” to describe a diatribe in which we’re begged to make changes for the benefit of the company in no way exposes the cognitive dissonance we’re currently experiencing. Instead, we’ll make some vague reference to the “challenges” ahead. (Releasing a polished device post 2008)

RIM recently confirmed that it is nearing the end of a major business and technology transition. Although this transition has taken longer than anticipated, there is much excitement and optimism within the company about the new products that are lined up for the coming months.

Although we’ve recently admitted that we’re nearing the end (of the beginning of our planning) to make a major transition, we’ll offer the small caveat that it’s taken longer than anticipated, a fact not even lost on a newborn baby. There’s a lot of “Game over man, game over, now what the fuck are we gonna do?!?!” excitement within the company about the the new products that are lined up for the coming months. Coincidentally. that’s the amount of time in which we’ll likely remain in business.

There is a fundamental business reality however that following an extended period of hyper growth (during which RIM nearly quadrupled in size over the past 5 years alone), it has become necessary for the company to streamline its operations in order to allow it to grow its business profitably while pursuing newer strategic opportunities.

It was inevitable that our totally awesome Popeye phase was going to run out of spinach at some point. We’ll also replace “completely out of touch with the current tech environment” with um.. “fundamental business realities” a phenomenon that none of our direct competition seems to be experiencing.

Again, RIM’s management team takes these challenges seriously and is actively addressing the situation. The company is thankfully in a solid business and financial position to tackle the opportunities ahead with a solid balance sheet (nearly $3 billion in cash and no debt), strong profitability (RIM’s net income last quarter was $695 million) and substantial international growth (international revenue in Q1 grew 67% over the same quarter last year).

We’ll tell you, the consumer, the same stale old line we give our employees, prattling on about taking challenges “seriously” and “actively” addressing situations. Sounds like “kicking ass” and “taking names” doesn’t it? We’ll also provide an out of context snapshot of our current financials, and hope you don’t google them against prior years. Nothing to see there, move along. Finally, we’re kicking a lot of ass overseas, a market where Apple and Google will never dare tread. We assure you, the same competitive issues that have hindered us in the US, are totally unpossible anywhere else.

In fact, while growth has slowed in the US, RIM still shipped 13.2 million BlackBerry smartphones last quarter (which is about 100 smartphones per minute, 24 hours per day) and RIM is more committed than ever to serving its loyal customers and partners around the world.

We’re really grateful that “being the hot new phone in Cambodia” has allowed us to spin our sales numbers for an additional quarter. Without the ability to tout such figures, one might get the impression that we’re crashing harder than Nokia and Palm combined. We’ll end our retort (of awesomeness) by mentioning that we sell an impressive 144,000 units a day. We’ll of course neglect to mention that Android, a competitor that didn’t even exist three years ago, is now moving 500,000 phones per day.

Cognitive dissonance, it’s what’s for breakfast!

As if the impending AT&T / T-Mobile merger wasn’t bad enough, things got even worse for US wireless subscribers recently when details of Verizon’s new tiered pricing emerged. Go ahead and hit the link, I’ll wait……

Now that your rage factor has hit eleven, let’s ask the question together.

What the HELL are those guys thinking?

I’m going to guess money

Simply put, these plans are completely OUTRAGEOUS. The most inexpensive flavor (for normal smartphone users) is a STINGY $30 a month / TWO GB (of bandwidth) joke. Once you cruise past that cap, VZW will be happy to charge $10 per extra GB consumed. Furthermore, if you want to do something crazy like tether an iPad, you’ll have to cough up an ADDITIONAL $20 a month for the privilege. The best part is that only gets you TWO extra measly GBs.

And you know what? I don’t care that VZW will be ever so gracious and allow existing customers to keep their unlimited plans. No shit, it’s not like they’re going to slam us to new pricing mid-contract. Nah, all they have to do is just sit back and relax in their gold bullion overflowing Scrooge McDuck vault. When the time comes for the new 4G Bionic or iPhone 5, they’ll just casually shrug and tell us, “We’re sorry, this new device won’t work with your old plan, you’ll have to switch to the new one”. Of course you can always keep your existing phone until the the year 2046 to avoid such a scenario. Be prepared, however, to get mocked in the same fashion as the guy that just walked by you with a Motorola bag phone.

It’s a waiting game Verizon can’t lose.

Now there’s word that they might offer up one final upgrade. Oh awesome, they’ve simply kicked the same can down the road an extra year or two. I tried to clarify this with a VZW PR person, and got a “Stay tuned…” non-answer. My cat walking on a keyboard supplies better information, thanks.

What irritates me to my core

I have no issue with power users paying a premium. If you’re going to clog up a network by streaming Dexter to your tablet, you should pay more, it’s simply common sense. That’s not the issue here though, it’s that VZW has gone for the working person’s jugular.

The 2gb limit is aimed directly at the casual user. It’s unbelievably easy to burn through such a minute amount of data. Sitting untouched on the kitchen table, you have SMS messages, email, twitter, facebook, newsfeeds, and weather updates getting pulled down. Then, you need to keep your device running smooth, requiring 20 or 30 apps (updating round robin) at 5 to 10 MB apiece. Don’t forget about a 100 MB system upgrade every few months either.

Now… let’s pick it up and use it!

Map data for walking, navigation for driving, web browsing, posting cat pictures on Flickr, emailing a video clip to a friend, Google Chat, you get the idea. There are million ways users unknowingly consume bandwidth every day. Mind you, we’re not even getting into the “stream Netflix to your phone with lightening fast 4G” realm yet. And yes, I’m aware I can check my data usage easily, that has nothing to do with the pathetic amount of bandwidth they’re allocating.

So what’s the point? The point is I won’t be able to use (after an inevitable upgrade) my damn phone in a manner in which it’s designed. The point, is that a MAJORITY of users will realize the same thing. Remember back in the day when you’d go over your SMS limit and your provider would smack you with an overage? Welcome to 2011, what’s old is new! The reality is A LOT of people will get snagged in VZW’s “oops you went over a hundred MB, $10 please” net. This is how the tiers were designed, and THAT’S what annoys me so much.

So I commend the greedy little Verizon execs for a clever way to squeeze a few more bucks from their customers. But be warned you fiduciary geniuses, your price gouging is approaching diminishing returns.

What I plan to do about it

Let’s start with what I don’t plan to do, and that’s pay $150 bucks a month for service!

The first logical step of course is to compose an angry blog post that’ll be read by six people. Done. Next, I plan to do some research into my cellular options. Unfortunately I swore a blood oath years ago that I’d get a cup and string before giving AT&T my business again, so I guess they’re out. I did have a wonderful experience previously with T-Mobile. They’ve now got a “4G network”, nice Android devices, and they’re still the cheapest horse in town. Oh wait a minute, they won’t exist in a few months, next. Metro PCS and the smaller players don’t have the bleeding edge big boy phones, so bzzzzzzt, nope. Looks like Sprint is the last player standing that has everything I’m looking for.

MY GOD, I’m going to have to switch to……..Sprint?

Oh VZW, only you could make my rage burn hotter than a thousand suns!

Also, pray

There’s always hope that consumer backlash could alter things. From what I’ve read, pretty much everyone is seething. I have had about 10 friends waiting to switch networks for the DROID Bionic, but now they’re exploring other options. I wouldn’t be totally surprised if I saw Verizon issue a “what was leaked was an early internal copy of our pricing” or “in light of customer feedback…” statement, but I’m Not holding my breath.

I’m also thinking that Google can’t be very happy with the situation. Like everyone, they’re pushing the cloud stuff hard, and we all know THAT and bandwidth are generally mutually exclusive. I can’t imagine them going through the effort of their music service only to have users limited to 10 songs a day. If anyone is big enough to nudge VZW even a little bit, Mountain View has to be on the short list. Let’s hope they realize this.

Moto’s got to be pissed as well, but sadly there’s little they can do. The cutoff to get an unlimited plan is 7/7/11, and their flagship Bionic isn’t going to make that date. Instead of waiting, users are running in droves to grab the inferior HTC Thunderbolt and Samsung Charge, simply because they’re available NOW. I don’t know what the numbers will be, but I’d anticipate a solid hit to the Bionic’s bottom line. Moto should get cracking on new “Droid level” hardware for other carriers, and pray for an exodus when the unlimited goes bye bye. It ain’t so long, it’s I’ll see you on Sprint!

A final thought

I’d like to say this will fail for Verizon, that they’re going to have to tweak something in the consumer’s favor . The prices are totally absurd for a tough economy, legions of enraged bloggers/consumers are popping off on the interwebs, and cheaper alternatives exist for the time being. That said, VZW obviously did the cost/benefit thing and determined they’d still come out ahead.

Like others, I’ll stay put ONLY while I can keep my unlimited plan, the new ones are far too insane.

There are rare times when a person is capable of recognizing the moment, but let’s be realistic, they’re few and far between. The REST of the time, it takes a little perspective to appreciate past experiences. As you clever readers have likely deduced by now, technology is my main reason for existence. I don’t have any control over this, it’s simply in my blood. I use the preceding phrase literally, as I’m proud to say I spawn from a long line of gadgetheads. Search history and I’d wager you’ll even discover a crazy relative of mine that early adopted a newfangled techno saddle, or a cutting edge “reload in under 10 minutes” rifle.

Stuck in my favorite thinking place (the subway tunnel) one morning, I started brainstorming about MY biggest moments in tech. In this look back, I’ll be skipping past “OH WOW” stuff, laughing at “THE GAME HAS CHANGED FOREVER”, and charging straight into “THERE IS A GOD BECAUSE THIS EXISTS” territory.

Perhaps I’m being slightly hyperbolic, but that’s half the fun!

In order of perceived importance………….

SEVEN: Google maps/GPS/Traveling abroad

This first one involved a bit of a technological eclipse to really appreciate. There’s the experience of the service, the hardware functionality, and both put into execution. This translates to using google maps, using google maps with real GPS, and using google maps with real GPS somewhere other than my kitchen.

The “oh snap” portion of it became evident when travelling in Paris. I’d punch up an address (or even “French Onion Soup” har har) and follow my blinking dot avatar to the destination with pinpoint accuracy. Despite having no knowledge of the city’s layout, I was moving around town like a native Parisian. It also came in handy when a cab driver tried to “take the scenic route”. Tsk tsk

Not to say that getting lost abroad isn’t fun, only that it’s nice to have the option not to.

SIX: Switching to blackberry

I rambled about my first BB experience in this thread. It may come as a surprise, but switching from a dumbphone to a smartphone is a major shock to a geek’s system! Add that the Blackberry wasn’t the average smartphone, and we’ve got some serious win.

The messaging experience became invaluable instantly. I loved catching up on email during previously unproductive times such as bus stop waits, cab rides, and being held hostage during a daring mid-morning bank heist. The always on connectivity didn’t just stop at email either. Set up an RSS feed, and you could have ANY Craigslist search result pushed to the device. So, while I’m out soaking up culture at the Monster Truck Rally Guggenheim, a stream of job, apartment, and “Taiwanese pottery wanted” listings would roll right in. I could then email a response in 10 seconds, and usurp the fools riding resfresh on their desktops!

Yep, it felt good to be the (connected) king!

FIVE: iPod

The concept is complicated, so perk up and try to follow along. I went from a bulky CD player to a device that’s the size of a deck of cards and could store hundreds of albums. No biggie right?

The non-awesomeness didn’t stop there either, oh no. I could use my iPod as a 20 GB portable thumb drive, a feature that was sort of handy, I guess. Add a cable and an Aux jack and now you’ve got a portable jukebox. I suppose it was mildly neat that I now had the capability to torture friends with the entire Steppenwolf discography while at the beach. Lastly, my iPod introduced me to something called a podcast. While this new form of media has done little to revolutionize anything (*cough*), it played some vague role in connecting me to a world of free and plentiful information. There’s also that little “redefined how the masses listen and consume music” thing, but that’s not important right now.

The real innovation was that my music no longer skipped when running after a bus. BOOYA!

FOUR: Wi-Fi

How could I fail to include the moment I “was liberated from the wire” in a list? It all happened back in the halcyon days of 2003. A nervous nation was gearing up for war, “Hey Ya” had everyone shaking it like a Polaroid picture, and I needed a new tech toy. My Palm V was getting a bit long in the tooth, so enter the Palm Tungsten C, my first W-Fi device.

After a relatively painless setup, I was up and fetching emails in no time. Actually, let’s make that a little more accurate. I was doing Olympic level Chinese fire drills around the table, WITHOUT TRIPPING ON A CABLE, while fetching emails.

New School…
** Insert Keanu Reeves-esque “Whoa” here **

Old School…
** Insert Joey Lawrence-esque “Whoa” here**

Sure, the functionality was crude, but surfing the the web in Super Nintendo era graphics, sans cable, was nothing short of mind boggling.

THREE: Digital camera

Oh man was this a fun one. To be honest, I can’t even remember if I owned a camera proper before my first digital one. I guess I’d always viewed photography as a bit of a pain in the ass. Run down to the store, drop off the roll, and WAIT a few days, all to receive blurry shots with an otherworldly luminescent thumb over half the corner. What a joy!

My foray into the digital realm was via a 2.1 MP Kodak something something. I can’t recall the exact capacity, but it was in the neighborhood of 150 pictures, a.k.a. “a shitload”. No CVS development runs were necessary, emailing a photo was a breeze, and I could dump your pic in Photoshop and add a unibrow in no time flat. Now that’s fucking progress!

That said, I believe the digital camera will always remain as a HUGE yet underappreciated innovation. It didn’t do anything new per se, but it made photography a hell of a lot easier in every conceivable aspect. Thanks to its existence, I now enjoy daily images of a friend’s brunch, the “new cat”, edgy interpretations of the woods behind a random house, and my ex standing in front of the Taj Mahal. My life is complete!

TWO: FIRST COMPUTER

Let’s clarify from the start, I’m not talking about the IBM PC or the Weird Science/War Games setup your rich neighbor had in the ’80s. I’m talking about your first mid ’90s machine, which was probably a Windows 95 box. Mine, was a powergrid collapsing Pentium 200 Mhz MMX (Multimedia Extensions represent yo!), with a Diamond Stealth video card, and a whopper 4GB Western Digital drive. It was so powerful in fact, I could simultaneously play music and run a 3D text screen saver.

As for the experience, feel free to insert the “epoch shattering”, “eye opening”, etc, cliche of your choice. Everyone reading this should know what I’m talking about anyway.

My cliche wlll be, “it was if I were a bear hibernating in a cave, but the cave was actually a time machine and I awoke a thousand years in the future”. Watching full motion video, email, AOL perusing message boards, everything I wanted was there. The wealth of information in this brave new world was only matched by the craziness of those who inhabited it.

Duke Nukem 3D was pretty awesome too.

ONE: Rocking a pager

Oh you were expecting the cellphone? Pffft! That didn’t even make the list! Hands down, no contest, not even close, the pager was the first cool piece of tech I’d owned. I didn’t even really understand how it worked, simply assuming it ran on magic or something. Prior to that, I lived in the dark days of “waiting for a phonecall”. It went a little something like this….

You need to run out to an appointment, but you’re waiting for a friend to call, and of course he hasn’t called yet, so now you’re becoming irritated since you’ll probably run late, but you wait a little longer because not only are you a nice person, you ate some oatmeal for breakfast and the food put you in a good mood, but even all the tasty cinnamon in the world won’t prevent you from eventually reaching some threshold of annoyance, so you finally mutter “fuck Steven” and head on out causing the phone to predictably ring just as the door slams shut, so now you’re fumbling with the keys, the lock is being finicky, and the door is sticking because it’s summer and the heat warps the frame, but you’re the man, so you work the situation, overcome the adversity, barge in, and dive for the phone, only to be provided with some lame excuse upon answering it, prompting you to understandably scream “STEVEN YOU DOUCHE, I”M RUNNING LATE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!” and slam down the receiver in disgust.

Remember that shit?

Got a pager, problem solved!